West Virginia had a primary! Who knew? And Hillary Clinton apparently won! Shocking! And am I being sarcastic? YES! YES, I AM!

Everyone (and by everyone I mean the punditocracy) say that what will REALLY matter is her victory speech. Will it be a go-along-get-along speech? Or will she show up on a motorcycle, shotgun in tow, half her face blown off to reveal she is, in fact, a cyborg, wearing sunglasses and proclaiming “I’ll be back … in June!” while James Cameron’s film score thunders in the background?

Because if she did that, that would be pretty fucking awesome. It would be annoying too. But I love Terminator 2, so it would still be pretty awesome all the same.

Now think! Think, Snob! How will Chris Matthews manage to make this all more important than it is by being overtly sexist? Ooo! Ooo! Glenn Close reference! Wait. Someone already did that. Aah, I know Sharon Stone reference. She is a Clintonista. No! Too sexual and creepy. And “Single White Female” and “The Hand that Rocks the Cradle” aren’t quite apropos.

I’ll play it safe. He’ll say something about pantsuits and her voice being irritating.

That, and how hopeless her campaign is …

And how he secretly hopes it never ends.