He’s a whore. She refuses to get naked for pay. They’re both sexy and awesome (even though one can’t act her way out of a restroom stall). But who wins in this duel de sexy?
First Jude Law
Pros:
@ He’s British and The Snob loves men with British accents. I’m also partial to French, Spanish, American Southern drawl, Caribbean patois and whatever accent Wall of Sexy member Tawny Cypress butchered through FOX’s canceled “K-Ville.”
@ He’s a cad. You can only be a cad if you’re British. It sounds nicer than, say, “asshole” or “jerk who slept with our kids’ nanny.”
@ He can act.
@ He can act sexy.
@ He was murdered by Matt Damon in “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” where Jude was, by far, the best and sexiest thing. And I like Matt Damon. Matt Damon is hot. But when Ripley kills Dicky the movie goes from a very sexy, somewhat homoerotic jaunt through Europe to dead white people everywhere and Damon’s Ripley climbing back into the celluloid closet.
Cons:
@ He’s like a British Samuel L. Jackson. As in, there’s no check he won’t turn down no matter how abysmal the script. Granted, Jackson takes so many roles because he remembers his po’, broke addict days when work was non-existent. Law is double-booking because he owes all kinds of child support and alimony. Keep it in the pants, Jude!
@ For every “Gattaca” there’s “Alfie”or that Stanley Kubrick partial-birth abortion, stem cell harvested nightmare of “AI: Artificial Intelligence.” That wasn’t really Law’s fault, but he didn’t help any.
@ He cheated on his wife for Sienna Miller, who is a crappy actress, only to down grade further and do the help. What’s next? Homeless people? Ann Coulter? Standards, Law! Have some standards!
And now for Alba. What’s so great about her?
Pros:
@ She’s got a body that won’t quit and the fresh face of an angel.
@ She’s resisted fan boy pressure to show off her goodies. But, after that …
Cons:
@ She’s a terrible, terrible, terrible actress. This doesn’t mean she’s a lost cause by any means. She’s always one role from redemption, but her resume reads like a trainwreck sandwiched between two super hero flicks just one step above the Daredevil spin-off “Elektra.”
The Eye? Bill? Good Luck Chuck? The Ten? Into the Blue? Honey!
Would it kill this woman to do something she can handle like playing Vin Diesel’s/The Rock’s/Keanu Reeves’/Will Smith’s girlfriend while shit blows up all around? I’m not saying she should lower her standards, but … she should lower her standards. She’s no Rachel McAdams or Sanaa Lathan. She’s not even “Ugly Betty’s” Ana Ortiz. The ONLY good movie Alba’s done in the last decade was “Sin City” and that movie wasn’t good because of her. It was good because everyone in it who was not her, plus the man behind the camera, plus the man who illustrated the original graphic novel it was based on were brilliant. This was the ultimate open book test of films. All she had to do was NOT SUCK. She didn’t have to emote. She didn’t have think. She only had to do was what Hollywood likes to pay her to do — look really, really hot.
Of course, to the chagrin of fanboys she still kept her clothes on, but I actually give her props for keeping her top on. The pressure has to be SO enormous to just get naked for get the attention and box office gross. Many actresses have done the Full Femme Monty only to end up in the dust bins of film history. (Elizabeth Berkley … at least your film is a camp icon. That sort of makes up for having no career, right? Right?)
You go, Alba. At least you CAN keep it in the pants … And shirt. Which is more than I can say for Gigolo Joe over there.
That said. Who wins?
I lean pretty hetero so my urging places want me to go with Law. But I’m prone to girl crushes and Alba is so cute even though she is a horrendous actress. But, c’mon, is this really a contest? Part of being sexy is about being sexy in ways that don’t involve your “goodies.” Law is a hot, fey mess and Alba has a cute butt, but you have to have some there there. And Alba, honey, you played the Invisible Woman not once, but twice.
Enuf said.
Give me my screwed up, nanny fucking, broke-ass Brit Jude Law!
Crave more sexy? Please. Take a hike up the wall and gander at all the pretty people.
Live Your Best Life. 
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