For all us poor people, it was just “May.” For the rich and famous, last week was the Cannes Film Festival where everyone goes to France to be camera-whores.

It’s hard work, but someone has to put on a $8,000 mini dress and go do it.

As always, Supermodel and Cellphone-Fu black belt champion Naomi Campbell was on hand at Dolce & Gabbana’s Cannes party.

She was wearing Roman-esque silver gladiator sandals, a sparkly mini-dress and black feathers for a coat of some kind, but she’s Naomi. She could put on a black Hefty garbage bag and make it work.

While a lot of people at this party looked especially garish (Lindsay Lohan and her disappearing emerald skirt and Rose McGowan’s scraggly red hair to be specific), others looked less so. Like Sean “Dolphin Teeth” Combs and Kerry Washington who only looked a little silly in his white tuxedo suit and her hairy gold sweater of a dress.

Is it just me or shouldn’t Kerry’s legs be shinier? Her face area has a nice, healthy glow and she’s wearing gold so shouldn’t her legs be all cocoa butter oiled up? Because at these sorts of events with all the cameras flashing not enough sheen can make a Negro look ashy. And that’s what I’m really saying. I realize she’s no “Ashy Larry” but the matte finish look does not work for a black person’s “evening legs,” especially when the skirt is this short and the gold is blending in with her natural skin tone.

I’m not saying she has to bathe in a bucket of Crisco or make love to some fried chicken from Church’s, World’s Greasiest Retail Chicken Chain, but … it couldn’t hurt.

But enough of that. It’s been five minutes. Are Nick and Mariah still together?

Oh, thank God! I was worried. No pictures of them had shown up in my inbox for nearly three whole days. Sure, I’d seen that one picture of a solo Nick at a party Diddy threw last week, but nothing substantial since the Six Flags Cupcakes of Love soirée they gave me May 16th. Thank heavens some paparazzi were there in Japan to greet them at the airport where a shy and resigned Mariah Carey fought tears as she reluctantly posed for pictures.

“Is this what you wanted! Is this what you came to see, you whores!” she shouted as she whipped out her left hand, displaying her wedding ring. “Why won’t you people LEAVE US ALONE? Why, Nick? Why???“

I know it was hard, Mimi. I really do.

This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

And black tights with black sandals? Really? Is that what’s hot in the streets now? I can’t hate because she’s sort of making it work, but … black tights and sandals? It makes her look like she should have on a leotard, hopping a time machine to the 1980s so she can go “Jazzercise” in hot pink leg warmers, a matching scrunchie and a crimp ponytail.