By Luvvie

So I was chatting with the ePosse on Gmail the other night when PBG decides she wanted to ruin my night by sending me a link. I click on it and was immediately appalled at the foolishness I witnessed. It’s a site called Baby Bangs! Hair Band.

Yes, this is actually, the website’s description of the product. I did a screenshot to capture it.

Before I even talk about the product itself, I’m outraged by this mess of a description. What in the multi-font, colorful heck is this? There are no less than 5 fonts used in the 17-word description. WHY? And all them colors. PLUS the blatant disregard for the use of capitalization is really upsetting me. “LiTTLe” just about offended me to pieces! And “Ready2Wear”. REALLY? Who’s 9-year old tweenager was allowed to do this? WHO? Shouldn’t she be at a Hannah Montana concert, instead of doing design for a website? iCan’t. And if its a grown person that did this, for SHAME!

(More after the jump.)

And on to the product. Of course, Baby Bangs! is the first and only ready to wear hairstyle headband. Some ideas were meant to have NO pioneers, and this is one of them. What the eff? There is a reason no one has tried to patent baby combovers. These reasons include:

• We’re still trying to stop adults from rocking combovers. Starting babies with combovers will just be worsening the problem
• Babies are rough. Them wearing, essentially, half wigs is gonna end in an embarassing occurrence where the baby comes down the slide, and their baby bangs comes down after them. Or the baby is being pushed on the swings and a gust of wind comes and floats the bang away
• How vain are we that we are trying to put our infants in half wigs???

This is deliriously stupid! I can’t believe that’s what we’re on in 2009. Baby hairhats? I’m outdone. Then came the HILARIOUS summary of what Baby Bangs are made of.

“Our patent pending HAIR+band accessory combination allows baby girl’s (with little or no hair at all) the opportunity to have a beautifully realistic HAIR style in a SNAP!! It’s quick, easy and baby barely knows it’s there. Each Baby Bangs! HAIR+band has been made using only the finest ribbons and fabrics, PLUS our Baby Bangs! come to you pre-customized & size appropriate, cut, styled and ready for immediate wear. The wispy hair strands have been arranged in the cutest most adorable elfish coiffure! Silky strands of Monofiber Kanekalon are used to create our Baby Bangs! Hair Strands. Kanekalon is the most realistic man-made hair fiber available.”

The old me was dead and gone after reading “The wispy hair strands have been arranged in the cutest most adorable elfish coiffure!“. BWAHAHAHAHA! Not “elfish coiffure”. Done. You hear me?? THROUGH!” Is that supposed to make me be like “Well, I DO want my child looking like one of Santa’s helpers. Sign me up!”. No… just NO! And “only the finest ribbons and fabrics” my tush! What in the world is Monofiber Kanekalon? That sounds like the name of a character on “Lilo & Stitch.” They might as well say those baby bangs are made with the finest polyurethane and viscose fabric. Psht! They are playing baldheaded games! Just BALD!

Synthetic half wigs + wispy hair + babies = the most EPIC of fails.

Oh and just so you know, the baby’s hair at the crown of the head is wispily combed over to blend in with the bangs. It’s terrible.

I don’t even wanna put the link of the site in this post, lest a parent purchases it on my “endorsement”. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I was an accomplice to child abuse. And yes, I believe Baby Bangs is a form of child abuse. That’s straight humiliation. What is WRONG with people? If your baby looks like a human egg, you best get their hats game proper instead of opting for this atrocious abomination of an accessory. Using this on an infant is an appalling application of aptitude.

Parents don’t let other parents buy their kids baby bangs.

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Luvvie is a blogger from Chicago with a passion for rants. You can catch more of her randomosity at her eCribs Awesomely Luvvie  and House of IG. She is also the co-creator of The Red Pump Project, an initiative to raise awareness on the effect of HIV/AIDS on women & girls.